don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize