I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
