Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
