i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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