i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
