His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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