I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
