Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
