i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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