So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
