3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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