I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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