He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
