Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
