So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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