i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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