Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
