I smell stomach acid.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
