Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
