I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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