I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
