just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
