so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
