we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
