Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
