This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
