I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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