Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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