White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
