The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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