I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
