I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
