I'm laying in your front yard are you home
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
