my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
