guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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