Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
a search helicopter?!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
