you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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