That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
