I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
