Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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