wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
