Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
