You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
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i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
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How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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