Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
