I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
