i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
