I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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