When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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