I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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