It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
