You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
