I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
