Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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