i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize