ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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