I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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