if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
